Three accidents in 24 hours, two of them with blood.
Shir at the public library. Notice the blocks on their way towards his head.
The first one maybe I could have avoided. Shir was playing on the stairs leading outside to the street and there is no banister there. Granted, I was standing right there when he suddenly flipped and rolled to the leafy ground about 3 feet below. Ugh. A few tears, hugs, and off he went to explore the world again.
Incident number two: Shir was walking his cart with blocks when he suddenly lost balance, twisted, fell on the floor and started bleeding from his mouth, probably hit his precious upper teeth on something. Ugh. A few tears, hugs, and off he went to explore the world again.
Incident number three: Sitting in the bathroom sink, washing off dinner remnants, he stuck his finger in the drain and scraped it there, leading to yet another bout of blood. God I am an awful parent. A few more tears, a few more careful hugs (I’m wearing one of Ron’s shirts and I didn’t think the bloodstains would be appreciated), and off he went.
Shir with his wagon of blocks. Notice those arms!
And that was when it struck me. I could feel my instincts wanting to protect him from everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Not a scratch should come across his skin. That’s it, I could hear an inner voice resolving this ordeal once and for all: no more accidents, no more blood, no more pain. I simply can’t stand it. I will now grow one thousand eyes and arms to protect him.
And that was when I felt it. I could feel my heart cringe, crinkle, shrink. I could feel the cold steel walls rising up around me, around Shir, against the big bad world.
And that was when I realized: I am facing a choice. Do I try and pretend I have some kind of control over pain in his life and monitor his every step, just to avoid this horrible sense of helplessness? Or do I continue to try and provide an atmosphere of trust for him, despite my own experiences?
Seeing his confidence and joy in the world is one of the most exhilarating feelings.
What’s for breakfast???? Joy, love and more fun!
How many times have I literally or figuratively fallen off the stairs because there was no banister, lost my balance as I was trying to move ahead, and scraped my finger because I was reaching out to some unknown? I can’t count anymore. All I know is that whenever I encounter something new – a new job, friend, place, idea – what I feel first is a rush of fear. And that rush of fear is so different from the enormous smile on Shir’s face just a short minute after drawing blood. A smile that says: Come on world, show me what you got. I’m here to love and trust, and if you watch me and listen, you can do that too.
God, please let me continue to learn from him, from his innocence, and openness, and trust, and now-in-the-moment-ness. Let me never forget he is my teacher and I am here to unlearn. Let me grow in the pain of this unraveling.
Sleepy Mama 